


5 ways Quynh didn't bust out of her ocean prison and one way she did

by nevermindirah



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Anachronism, Canon Temporary Character Death, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cussing, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, F/F, POV First Person, Quynh is so salty, cavalier attitude about repeated temporary death, fuck the Inquisition, like a fuckton of cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26051860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevermindirah/pseuds/nevermindirah
Summary: How salty would YOU be if some assholes condemned you to 500 years of constant drowning? Yeah. Buckle up, bitches.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko
Comments: 15
Kudos: 40





	5 ways Quynh didn't bust out of her ocean prison and one way she did

Those witch-burning jackasses are so fucking dramatic. They had to go and forge an exaggerated frowny face through which I could scream bloody murder at them as they tore me from Andromache and locked me away at the bottom of the sea. You know what can fit through that frown-shaped hole though? A small adult human’s hand, maybe two. Y'all know you're putting me in this box because I can't die, right? You played yourselves you fucking pieces of shit.

I don't know what memes are yet, but who has two thumbs and will use them to get the fuck out of here? This furious bitch.

My hands and feet were shackled but I can probably break those apart after some time slamming them against the sides of this shitty metal box, leaving me free to reach through this dumbass rictus face and gather some tools.

Ok, so. How am I gonna get out of here? Brainstorm time.

1\. Collect plastic bags and those 6-pack loops that kill sea turtles and shit and braid them together into a rope. Tie a hook or something to the end and reverse-fish for a passing ship that can drag me to shore. Scare the shit out of whoever disembarks but in a way that'll get them to open the damn box and get me out of here. Sure, I don't know what plastic is yet, but once it starts raining down from the ocean's surface I'll have died a few million times and won't care that I don't know the name for this weird indestructible but flexible thing that people love to throw away, I'll just know there's a fuck ton of it and braiding this rope makes me think of all the nooses I'm gonna make when I finally get out of here.

2\. Meet a nice mermaid and/or shark who will rescue me. Or better yet, locate some radioactive material and grow gills and sharp teeth and become my own rescuing shark mermaid. I bet I'd look even sexier with gills.

2b. Anything radioactive enough to turn me into a shark mermaid will probably also eat through whatever metal this box is made of, so I won't even have to bite through it with my new shark mermaid teeth, that would be cool. I'll have to regrow a bunch of skin and probably a few organs from the chemical burns, but what the fuck else is new.

3\. Fashion a chainsaw out of the teeth of dead sharks. The chains on these shackles ought to be useful for something, goddamnit. And I can wear it as a necklace while I'm working on collecting enough teeth to start sawing away in earnest. Not that Andy fucking cares how fashionable I am while I'm fucking drowning, shouldn't she have escaped and come to rescue me by now?? I'm gonna have an ex to get revenge on by the time I get the fuck out of here, aren't I.

4\. Wait for two competing industrial fishing ships to anchor nearby at the same time. Attach one side of the box to one anchor and the other side of the box to the other anchor, so when the ships try to pull up their anchors and sail away from each other the box will be ripped apart by their ship drama. This makes me a party to someone else's enemies to lovers story, which I think is pretty goddamn cool because it adds some nice dramatic irony to my lovers to enemies story. And maybe there'll be a shipwreck! I could do with seeing someone other than myself die for fucking once.

5\. Get the box eaten by a whale that in turn gets captured by Sea World, get spat out in the wasteland that is Orlando fucking Florida, and proceed to do A Lot of explaining to various underpaid members of Sea World’s PR and legal teams. I don't know this yet but PR flacks and lawyers are a lot like the witch-burning lackeys, some of them are in it because they like to watch people suffer, but some of them just do it so their bosses don't tie them to the stake next, and it's fun to antagonize them until they turn on each other.

Honorable mention before I get to the real story: Lately I've started dreaming about this kid named Nile who looks at this thing called Tumblr sometimes, and it's got a post going around about a ship full of hot lady ocean scientists who heroically rescue me and nurse me back to health. I usually don't have time to masturbate in between drownings so I'm pretty hard up. Though that time those tourists dropped a bunch of SCUBA equipment and I got to breathe for a whole 12 hours was pretty great, I hadn't had an orgasm like that in a millennium.

+1, here's how I actually get the fuck out of here.

Aforementioned witch-burning jackasses didn't tell me what metal they made this shitty-ass box out of, but I was already down here drowning every 5 minutes for about 200 years by the time stainless steel gets invented, so this shit is probably iron, cast iron, or steel, all of which will become 100% rust if submerged in water for long enough. No need for shitty people to dump toxic sludge into the goddamn ocean in order to eat through this shitty-ass bullshit frowny-face drowning box forged in the asshole of Satan I don't even believe in. Plain ol’ water will do if you can wait a while.

I've been waiting five fucking hundred god-for-fucking-saken drowning-in-fish-shit years. I bet I can break this shit open with one punch.


End file.
